Must Have Done Something Good
It felt as though we got home late today. It was, in all reality, about 5:45 but dark. I picked the boys up just a little bit late. Cooper seemed tired. He and Aiden have been fighting some version of a virus this week and I just think he’s a little tired from it all.
We pulled in the driveway and I let Aiden down in the yard outside the car, knowing that he wouldn’t wander. I got Cooper out. He just seemed tired. He’s never really like that. I think we’re all a little tired.
Admittedly a few days of unplugging would do us all a bit of good. A few days of no housework would be good. A few days in a cabin in the woods with warm blankets, movies, and snuggles — but I can’t do that right now.
I just went in to check on Cooper — sound asleep. He’s the epitome of “nestled all snug in their beds.” I can’t but smile when I see it. Every night he’s been with me for the last, nearly, 4 years, I have checked on him at 10:30. I look at him and stand amazed at the mystery of life. He grows and he learns and he laughs and he cries and it’s all amazing to me. I made that. I’ve known every movement he’s ever made. I can give you the entire time-line of his life from how old he was when he was sitting up, when he started walking, what his first word was, and his first foods. I know it. I know it all.
There he is, asleep and resting and oh, does he need to rest. He said his prayers before bed. We sang our song. He didn’t put up a fight. He was tired. And he sleeps so beautifully.
There are days when I feel that the stress is too heavy to carry. There are days when what I didn’t accomplish far outweighs what I did. There are days when the guilt of the ever-growing to-do list and too few hours in the day keeps me awake when I ought to be sleeping.
Then there are days when the weight of all my imperfection is so heavy that I cannot see the joy and all the “worthwhile” on the other side of it all. It’s on those days that I sneak into his room, like a page from I’ll Love You Forever, and go quietly to the side of Cooper’s bed and remind him how much I love him and in that moment I am reminded how, like Maria in the Sound of Music, “I must have done something good”.
I’m sure that’s not how God really works but I am still so thankful that I am his mother.
